Week 5

Week 5 of the 2017B season started with the Russian Hackers facing off against the hyper Lynx.  Infamous ball hog James Griffin-Allwood-Some-Plastic-May-Contain-Traces-of-Nuts opened scoring, and the Lynx took an early lead.  But the goatee bros connected for the tying goal a moment later, as Dave "Super" Cooper fed Sean if the shoe Fitzgerald.  James Griffin-Allwood-Some-Plastic god mad and reminded everyone why he's the league's most infamous ball hog, tallying another unassisted goal.  But the Hackers again rallied, and rookie sensation Adam fine pedigree Pettigrew converted a feed from Tom I only play forward now Griffiths.  Then the Hackers messed up their lines and got stuck with a Too Many Men penalty.  Lynx captain James Griffin-...etc... tried a new tactic, agreeing to let other players on his team have the ball for a little while.  The Lynx demonstrated to the league's most infamous ball hog what teamwork can do: Mike "Speedy Gonzales" Gelinas set up Ryan "top corner" Sampson; Wes the slot kitchen Cook fed James Griffin-5-part-trilogy-last-name-Allwood for a goal; and then Wes the slot kitchen Cook converted a pass from Gill mondo backhand Mombourquette to end the 1st period, 5 - 2 Lynx.  Dave "Super" Cooper took his team out back behind the gym and threatened to give them all nuggies if they didn't shape up and start scoring goals.  And boy, did they deliver!  In the 2nd and 3rd periods alone, Lynx goalie Tom "I Want a" Wynn faced 42 shots.  At the other end of the court, Hackers goalie Bobby Zwicker locked down the fort for the Hackers as they mounted their comeback, shutting out the Lynx for 2 periods.  Greg the Shredder Schrader to Sean Professor Nutbutter Nutter; Sean shoe Fitzgerald to Paul's the Walrus Chang; Dave "Super" Cooper to the walrus was Paul Chang once again to tie the game 5-5.  Finally, Dave "Super" Cooper set up the nutty professor, and Sean Nutter marked the GWG for the Hackers, downing the Lynx 6-5.  When asked for their thoughts after the game, Hackers captain Dave "Super" Cooper said he found the nuggies threat very effective and plans to use it every week for the rest of the season; while Lynx captain James <last name redacted> moaned "Why doesn't anyone ever pass to me?"

Meanwhile, on the small court, the Battle of the Trade Teams began, as the Fire and the Bulldogs squared off.  Earlier in the season, Shane Erb, Mark McGuigan and Kevin Haddad went to the Bulldogs in return for Dave Martell, Matt Reed and Norm Snook.  Craig "The Gargoyle"  Burgoyne started the game for the Fire, while their regular goalie was driving around and around the 102, trying to figure out why the Detour signs kept bringing him back in circles to the same police blockade.  The Bulldogs deflowered the scoresheet on a goal by Mark "The Spark" McGuigan from Gord the brains Caines, beating guest goalie Craig "The Gargoyle" Burgoyne.  But Aaron should shoot more often Brown ripped in a response from the blue line to tie the game 1-1.  Then Norm the friendly giant Snook converted a pass from Matt the other Shaggy Reed, but Shane Erb and spice balanced the score at 2 apiece.  Jason "Boom-Boom" Boudreau drove through a Detour sign, cut through a forest, and did a Dukes of Hazzard jump over a river to arrive at the gym, and replaced Craig "The Gargoyle" Burgoyne, with thanks all around to the guest goalie for keeping the Fire in the game.  "Boom Boom" started shouting cryptic messages at his teammates, "Don't keep turning left!" and "Detour!"  It seemed to fire up the team, as Matt shaggy too Reed converted the first pass from Rob "the Rhyno" Tyrrell, then Dave this will never end up in the news report Martell took another feed from Rob the Rhyno and banked it off Marty "the Party" Kane's ass into the net to take the period 4-2 Fire.  The 2nd period started much the same way, with Matt shaggy too Reed setting up Rob the Rhyno Tyrrell for a one-timer.  But the Bulldogs started marking their territory, and launched a counter-attack.  Shaun "Goodie Goodie Yum Yum" Goodwin blasted a shot on the pass from Gord the brains Caines.  Norm the friendly giant Snook pass the ball in front of the net and Johann "the Finnish Flash" Tienhaara, tripping over his own feet, accidentally knocked the ball in the right direction, and with "Boom Boom" shouting "Detour!" from the other end of the court, Marty the Party's senses were overloaded, and he let in another banked-off-the-ass shot.  But then the Bulldogs snarl began in earnest.  Kevin hodaddy Haddad from Shaun "Goodie Goodie Yum Yum" Goodwin'; Shane Erb and Spice with a natural hat trick, assisted by Mark "The Spark" McGuigan, Gord the brains Caines and Shaun "Goodie Goodie Yum Yum" Goodwin.  Ending the 2nd, each team had 6 goals on 35 shots.  With Shane Erb and Spice's 3rd in a row, the Bulldogs took the lead.  But Rob "the Rhyno" put the Fire back in play with a goal from Dan Sinnott, tying the game 7-7.  A minute of furious battles for the ball along the walls, and the shootout finally ended (52-50 the shots Bulldogs-Fire) with a tie between the Trade Teams.  Asked what the thought of the result, Gord the brains Caines said "my nose still hurts!" and Rob the Rhyno Tyrrell couldn't be heard over the incessant shouting "Detour!  Don't turn left again!" from Boom Boom.

The late games started with a showdown between the league's top 2 teams, as the 3-0-1 Sabres took on the 3-1-0 Chill.  But the game started lopsided, with the Sabres' captain Keven the 7 11 Hit Man Pittman scoring 4 goals in a row, 2 from Mark "the Captain" Duggan, 1 from Rob "Father of Keven" Pittman, and 1 "I'm not an infamous ball hog like Griff, but I will be one day" unassisted goal.  Evan sure Canning stickhandle mounted a comeback, scoring unassisted on Craig "the Gargoyle" Burgoyne.  This was followed by another Chill goal, as Doug stop tripping me Forrest launched one into the net from Louis the thrill Brill.  4-2 Sabres after the first.  The 2nd saw rookie sensation J.D. ZZ Top length beard Crossley set up Keven "Son of Rob" Pittman for his 5th goal of the night.  Colin Waugh wah pedal retaliated with a pass to Evan sure Canning shoot to keep the game within 2.  A heated battle ensued in the 2nd, but nothing further was resolved.  The 3rd period opened with Keven "Son of Rob" Pittman notching his 6th of the night, followed by Mark "the Captain" Duggan on a setup from Matt Monk ey.  Mark "the Captain" Duggan again scored, this time from Rob "son of grandfather of Keven" Pittman.  The Captain then completed his natural hat trick on a feed from J.D. ZZ Crossley.  The Chill cooled the Sabres' hot steel with a goal by Louis the thrill Brill from Colin Waugh wah pedal.  But the damage had been done: the Sabres shoot to the top of the standings with a 3 point margin, winning the game 9-4.

The final game of the night, between the speedy Slayers and the struggling Titans, saw so many goals that the league stenographer quit her job, complaining of severe tendonitis and repetitive Kyle Bayer injury.  Kyle grizzly Bayer tallied a whopping 11 points, comprising 6 goals and 5 assists.  Fellow Slayer Eric my shoes can be seen from space Eisener racked up 8 points, including 6 assists.  Liam connor MacLeod, crying "there can be only 3!" as he ran down the court, picked up a hat trick.  Team captain J.D. "J.D." J.D. logged 4 goals and 2 assists in his team's winning effort.  Meanwhile, Titans captain Scott "rocket sauce" Cross gained a hat trick and 3 assists.  And Trevor "the Law Man" McGuigan, taking a page from the book of James, hogged the ball and scored 4 goals in a heroic comeback effort.  But in the end, the overwhelming speed and firepower of the Slayers slew the Titans 18-9.

Congratulations to Kyle grizzly Bayer for winning this week's East Side Mario's Player of the Week award!

This is Linguine Stradivarius saying: be well, folks, and stay out of the crease.  Until next time!